I had a thought the other day in the shower that I recently sat with in my journal: you don’t need to teach people how to treat you, but it’s your responsibility to set the tone for the treatment you expect and accept. Instead of just taking this thought at face value, I wanted to explore it. So I asked myself: Why don’t you need to teach people how to treat you? Isn’t life a learning process? What is meant by “set the tone”? What’s the difference? The answers were too insightful to keep to myself. So here’s a journal entry post addressing the above. Let’s address these questions one by one…

Why don’t you need to teach people how to treat you?

Teaching people how to treat you opens the door for disrespect. After all, we’re all learning, right? Someone might disguise their disrespect as “learning”—and as learning is a personal and subjective matter, you cannot decide when someone has finally learned how to treat you in ways that you appreciate.

Some people will keep fucking things up as they learn. Some will consistently fail to treat you “right.” That’s the pattern of a student who is in process: constant trial and error. If you’re willing to teach people how to treat you, which is always an option, you will invite students into your life. That energetic blueprint tells people, “It’s okay to fuck up badly—you’re a student after all; It’s okay to be disrespectful—you’re learning about respect after all; It’s okay to do the bare minimum—you have yet to learn about expectations.

But let’s question the above for a second:

Isn’t life a learning process? Why not give people a chance to learn about you?

Life is a learning process indeed—but only if one wants to learn.

You cannot decide for another person whether they want to learn or not. And you cannot define for someone else when they have finally learned. Do you want to take the risk of inviting people who have not learned, and may not learn about the things that matter to you? Do you want to school people on you? With chances that these people, these students, still do not learn? You can, but you don’t have to. You don’t need to.

The relationships that we embark on ask for specific considerations as well as attunement. That’s to say, we need to attune ourselves to what someone likes or dislikes, about their boundaries, their inner world, and all that. But there is a fundamental difference between peers and students. Peers understand that there are standards that don’t need to be explained. Students are still learning about them. The moment you need to school people and teach them how to treat you, on the basics, there is a misalignment there. In essence, in such dynamics, you’re not equals; one is the teacher, and the other one the student.

Sacred Relationships are reciprocal and respectful by nature, and the effort that is put into them does not feel like a burden or like a learning process. There is a standard that’s given on an energetic level in all relationships. This standard will define much of how you experience people and how they experience you. Bringing me to the next point:

What is meant by “set the tone”?

The “tone” is the energetic blueprint of your standards; as defined by Merriam-Webster dictionary, a tone is a general character or quality of something. In this case, that is, what we expect from others based on who we are and how we perceive ourselves. The general character or quality of treatment and interactions that we deem as acceptable to enter into our auric field.

Teaching yourself about what matters to you, and becoming uncompromising about this, sets a tone for your world and the expectations for your reality.

Our value system creates our standards. What we value will dictate what we will accept from others. What to some of us may be the bare minimum might be too much to ask for someone else. This clash in value systems is something we will often experience. It is exactly because of this that we must have clear boundaries for ourselves on what we accept and what we don’t. If we don’t set a tone for ourselves, our energetic signature will tell the world that anything goes over here. How do you think resentment is fostered? Unclear boundaries.

Clear boundaries send clear signals. When you operate from this inner space, the outer reality needs to match it. And whenever something happens that is not aligned with the tone that you have set, whenever someone doesn’t catch your energetic signature telling them to “come correct”, you don’t give your power away by lowering the standard you have defined for yourself; you take action aligned with your tone. You command how you experience your reality based on your standards instead of letting external forces define your experience.

Having a set of expectations as a base for what is acceptable and expected from people, especially those closest to me, is a must, for if we don’t have standards, we don’t have filters. We don’t have boundaries. And that implies that “anything goes”. I’ve learned that I don’t need to accept everything. I am allowed to expect to receive the degree of respect, appreciation, dignity, understanding, and other qualities that I give.

Ultimately, our reality is one of the things that we can control (not what happens to us, but how we live and experience things). And what we accept into our reality is one of the things that you can define. By Law, reality must concede to that when we are uncompromising on our standards and boundaries.

What’s the difference between teaching people and setting the tone?

The difference between teaching people and setting the tone is energy. What you allow vs what you demand. From the type of people in your life to the type of treatment that becomes the norm. It’s about energetic authority—what you invite vs what you repel.

The way we see ourselves and what we think we deserve—including treatment—will dictate what we accept, what we tolerate, how we carry ourselves, and what enters and gets to stay in our auric field.

I will tell someone about my expectations, but I will not teach them how to meet them. Energetic peers don’t need tutors. Not on the tone, not on the treatment.

We can always talk about what matters to us and how we wish and expect to be treated, especially by the people we care about the most. But one thing I have clear by now is that my standards will always be too high for those who are not meant to be in my life.

Writer’s note: This is not about mistakes…

People will fuck up—we’re humans. What I’m discussing here is not about people making mistakes and learning from them. Mistakes are different than patterns, and patterns tell us a lot about energetics.

I’m talking here about energetic blueprints and their mechanisms; the standards of treatment that are informed by our energy. We get to set the standard for ourselves, and whether we choose the archetypes of parents, teachers, or equals is up to us. Each archetype informs certain actions, as each holds certain standards.

There will be those who challenge us…

“What happens when someone doesn’t adhere to one’s norm? One’s tone?”, I asked myself. The answer to that was: the authority gets to decide what happens. And the authority has a framework to decide that. You are the authority. You get to be who you say you are when the things that matter to you get tested, and you get to respond as who you say you are. Not when you have yet to teach people. Not when you must adapt and compromise who you claim to be.

When people come and try to test these standards, your only responsibility is to stand firm in them, as opposed to becoming an educator about them.

Bring me Sovereign Peers

As the energetic blueprint of what I accept and my position in the world evolved, so did my decisions, my definitions, the words I use, and the intentions behind them. They are now guided by an inner compass rooted in sovereignty. They inform my actions and the responses I give to what the world sends my way.

I have chosen to embody the archetype of a peer when it comes to what I accept as treatment. In my world, we are equals. That means consequences instead of lessons or punishments.

Consequences don’t aim to teach lessons. They are declarations of who we are. They are internally rooted and have little to do with how someone else experiences them. Lessons can only be lessons when we aim to teach with actions, and the ones on the receiving end of our “lessons” accept them as lessons.

When you remove the energetic students and energetic children, what’s left are peers. Peers energetically understand that there are codes of conduct and actions have consequences, and they treat you with these considerations in mind. Peers know who they are dealing with. Peers honor those they are dealing with. Not above, not below us, our peers are equals and treat us with the same dignity and respect as we treat them. Peers can teach us as we can teach them; there is no hierarchy in the dynamic between peers. Peers can fill us as we fill them equally. And it is because I have tasted the energy of reciprocity received from peers, and I have understood that I get a say in what happens in my reality, that I no longer teach people how to treat me.

Let your energy speak before you. Let it say, “come correct”, instead of “come as you are”. You don’t need to accept the latter. Not in your personal relationships, not from strangers. And you can be sure that peers get that message without you having to say a word.

As magnetic, attractive forces, how wonderful would it be to have people who resonate with your energy? How wonderful would it be to filter out those who don’t? Good news: you can.

You can consciously choose your archetype. You can mindfully set your standards. And you can unwaveringly decide to stand by those. Do that, and watch your relationships reflect more of what you truly value. Do that, and watch how strong you get every time you need to declare who you are. Start by defining for yourself the life you want for yourself, the relationships you want in your life, the treatment you think you deserve, the boundaries you find important, and the things that are of value to you. A self-defined existence means that no other person gets to decide that for you.

With love,
Jun💛