You are always one decision away from choosing between what gives you energy or what will take more than it gives. To be deliberate with our exchanges takes first understanding that each moment is an exchange. And should we want to be mindful about the moments we exchange, we must learn to consciously shape our relationship with them. I read some time ago that we are always paying something, and that whatever we are paying accumulates over time.

Makes me think about this long-ass week and how I’ve been paying for the week. In this Soul Reflection, I’m breaking down how mindfulness equals us paying at the spot for the exchanges we’re in, and that mindlessness equals borrowing energy with a price tag.

I’ve had a very long week over here. As in, I did a whole lot of things that took more energy than they gave me. When you do multiple things that take more energy than they give, you’ll end up depleted.

The thing that took most of my energy was work. I usually have a very balanced relationship with my work. But some days demand more than others. These past few weeks demanded a lot from me as I pulled overtime to assist. I ended up working much more than I’m used to with little rest between shifts.

My sense of disbalance led me to the closest coffeeshop to get me a pre-rolled joint because I thought that a joint would help me relax and cope with the overwhelming schedule. And for a day or two, it did. Until it pulled me into the habit-forming process of seeking relaxation outside of myself as I burn a holy herb and I ended up smoking for six days in a row.

I can’t function optimally when I’m high; I get in a relaxation vibe and don’t want to deal with much. Which is fine if I do it only a day or two in a period where I’m overwhelmed. I felt like I needed some sleep so I put myself to sleep. The second day of smoking weed, I slept for like 12 hours and felt renewed when I woke up. I had no need to smoke again in the evening because I had received what I was desiring: rest. Yet there I was again smoking in the evening. This means that from the moment I lit up my joints, I am not available anymore to deal with anything or anyone. Honestly, I can’t remember the last time I was so unavailable. And the gag is, I can’t even blame it on my work.

At some point, you can’t blame your work for your exhaustion anymore when everything you do outside of your working hours also depletes your energy.

This is me intentionally and decisively making time to write for my weekly offering on the blog after smoking at least one joint every day for the past week. This is me reminding myself that I am always one decision away from choices that can either contribute to a healthy and balanced relationship with the present moment or that will affect me in ways I would rather not want to.

As I’m writing these words, on the last day of this week, and as I think about what brought me to these words today, I feel an immense exhaustion hovering around my energy, asking me what I’m gonna do about it today. I’m not gonna even say whether or not I’m going to smoke again tonight, but I will say this: I can’t keep doing the same things expecting a different result.

Speaking of doing things differently, I think about other things that also take more energy than they give. The first one that comes to mind is the use of smartphones and social media applications. Second one is porn. While I wasn’t social at all this week, the overall decisions of this past week have got me feeling tired. So I overdid it in one of the areas that take more energy than they give. And just like I know what takes more energy than they give, I know you too know which decisions add to your overall wellbeing and which ones take from it.

I remember reading in Conversations With God (such a wonderful book, by the way) that we must learn to find out what works and do more of it. With that seed planted, I’m writing this post. We’re grown. And we’re growing. Let’s stop pretending like we don’t know what we need. Let’s stop trying to fool ourselves into believing that we are helpless or victims to our circumstances. And let’s definitely stop waiting for someone to come and save us from ourselves.

We are one decision away from a more intentional life. The delicate dance with balance is eternal, and eternity can only be found in the present moment.

While I have energy-takers, I also have energy-bringers. Journaling? Big time energy bringer! Deep breaths? Yes, please! Gym and body movement? Give it to me! All of these things bring me more energy than they take from me. They each bring me to more presence, and the closer I get to presence, the less exhausted I feel. The less exhausted I feel, the more energy I gain, the more aligned to my inner compass I become, and the more centered I get again. I get renewed with fresh energy.

You know what else gives me energy? Flowers! Deciding today to do things differently, I went to buy myself the most beautiful bouquet of flowers I could find because I deserve it. I deserve to do things and look at things that give me energy. As I write these words, I look at my flowers and I smile. I feel a little better. And all little betters help when you are running on empty.

Be determined, get decisive

Thinking about my relationship with the present moment and the choices available to me, I ended up thinking about the words determination and decisiveness the other day.

Cambridge Dictionary defines determination as “the ability to continue trying to do something, although it is very difficult.” This word is indeed anything but passive, as it asks you to exert your will—sometimes with force over your own limitations—to achieve an outcome.

Decisiveness goes hand in hand with determination. Did you know that the meaning of decisive is “able to make decisions quickly and confidently, or showing this quality”? This means that once you determine what you stand for, who it is that you choose to be in relation to the present moment, you have to believe in your decision-making ability. We have a series of alternatives before us in any given moment.

I realized that when we must exert determination over compulsion, it means that we may have to overwrite old conditioning, despite temporary discomforts.

We are always choosing ease and comfort or something that challenges our familiarity and comfortability. With my birth chart filled with Taurean energy, believe me when I tell you that I for one love my routines, comfortability and familiar settings. But I’m also aware that these can sustain me only for so long, and should I want to lean into my expansion, I need to be more determined leaning into unfamiliar territory.

We always have options. To be determined about your relationship with your options available means in some cases to intentionally choose something else over the temporary fix if you’re seeking a sustainable solution. And even if you end up choosing a temporary fix, being determined also implies knowing when to drop it, although it may not be the easiest option. Pair this with decisiveness, it means confidently believing in your decision and your inner compass leading you to the best decision available.

I just said “best” decision, implying there is an option that is its opposite. Relatively speaking, yes, there is a best and a worst choice we can decide from. But they are only best and worst considering where we want to be and who we say we are. I can’t decide for you who you want to be, but I can decide for myself in every moment who I am and what I stand for.

It was because of my awareness of the options available and my decisiveness to write today in spite of feelings that you are reading or listening to these words. It took me several hours to finish this post. Indeed, it asked for energy. But different than a joint, it actually also gave me energy.

With every letter, every word, every thought leading up to this point, I filled myself with decisions after decisions that led to me feeling a little bit better and with enough energy to write this piece despite feeling a whole lot tired. It wasn’t easy to sit through the initial discomforts, but it was worth it writing something for today knowing how heavy this week felt.

To immerse yourself fully in every moment, you must continually remain determined to be vigilant of your mind and decisive to come back to space. Otherwise, you will get lost in thoughts and patterns that you may not be decisively choosing, but more routinely accepting.

Remember, we are always one decision away from a different outcome.

With love,
Jun 💛